I attended a diocesan staff prayer day today, a workshop on forgiveness and healing. Here's just a few of the things I took from it.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. Forgiveness is an act of the will, which can be controlled entirely by the individual doing the forgiving. Reconciliation requires initiative from both parties.
Forgiveness does not imply approval of the behavior for which forgiveness is offered. In fact, as I actually pointed out during the workshop discussions, forgiveness implies disapproval of the behavior because it assumes that something about the behavior was unjust. And you could even take it a step further and say that unforgiveness implies approval of the behavior. Why? Because when no forgiveness is offered, there is no attempt to rectify the wrongdoing. When no forgiveness is offered, there is no attempt to bring righteousness or remedy into the relationship. Refusing to forgive and just holding a grudge is just a more intense and painful way of ignoring the problem. Forgiveness is the only response that acknowledges the Christian concept of justice, which is why forgiveness is the way of God above and beyond merely human nature.
An objection that might follow from this is that forgiveness opens one up to further harm. But here an important distinction must be made. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. We must forgive rapists for example, but we must never forget their actions. Forgiveness is the decision to no longer be angry with someone for the sins they've committed. It is not the decision to again give trust away to such a person.
The most difficult aspect of forgiveness to me is indeed the notion that forgiveness implies wrongdoing on the part of the one which I am forgiving. So if I choose to forgive someone, I would be implying that the person sinned against me somehow. But can I always be certain of that? Or might I at times be mistaken about a person's intentions?
This is why I consider it best to always assume best intentions on the part of others, which is actually an attitude most conducive to forgiveness. It's refusing to allow other people's frivolities and hurtfulness to become really hurtful to ourselves. People who can do this, as our presenters emphasized, are found to be clearly the happiest.
This is a great post, I wholeheartedly agree with the distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. The entry also hits at the heart of a volunteer program I am currently involved with called "Bridges to Life." It is a ministry in which victim volunteers and facilitators meet with offenders in small groups, once a week for 12 weeks. Each week a different word is discussed. One week we discuss "forgiveness" and then the following week we discuss "reconciliation." Having the victims learn to forgive, and realize that doesn't mean forgetting, but learning to love there offenders is one of the biggest impacts for the victim volunteers. This happens through the victim volunteers learning to love the offenders they met in these small groups, which helps them to love and forgive those who victimized them. It also helps reconciliation as it allows both offenders and vicitims to reconcile themselves to each other, even if it is not the specific person they hurt or who hurt them.
It is a wonderful project and if you are interested in learning more and possibly volunteering the website is: www.bridgestolife.org/
I am about to complete my first 12 week program as a victim volunteer and I highly recommend it, whether you are a victim of crime or just want to help stop the cycle of crime.