The Need for Real Men

I was asked by some students recently to examine the following Bible passage:

"Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church, he himself the savior of the body. As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her..." -- Ephesians 5:22ff

That last part is often forgotten by feminist challengers and misogynists alike. Feminists of the anti-religious bent would like to paint a picture of a woman-suppressing religion while misogynists like the idea of suppressive authority over a woman, in other words, an authority that is self-serving.

But to look at the above passage with either of these mentalities is to look at it from a perspective that is oblivious of all the principles that Paul himself had at the front of his mind when he wrote it. The society in which we live today is not Christian. Modern society tends today to be utilitarian, power-hungry, and basically self-seeking, and that's why so many people have a hard time with this passage.

Now I have to be honest here: I'm a man. And because I'm a man, I tend to see more of the above characteristics in men. I share much of the feminist critique of men, with the important distinction that my criticism is of men as they behave whereas as the feminist critique tends to be of men as what the feminists think men are. So yes, many men behave in very selfish, irresponsible, manipulative, unchivalrous, machoistic ways. Where I part company is in saying that men can and should behave better.

And it seems lately as though I have been confronted with many glaring examples of the shortcomings of my male peers. The London Telegraph reported on a recent study published in the United Kingdom showing that if current trends continue, then the majority of pregnancies there will be out of wedlock by the year 2012. This is essentially the view from a distance of a reality I experience every day at work, where I am constantly confronted with situations where women have been used and then left carrying an unborn child. Even on a personal level I am confronted with it when lady friends of mine voice their discontents to me about my fellow males. This happened to me recently, and my lady friend actually lamented that, particularly in the Catholic Church, "all the good guys go to seminary."

Now I'm not sure that that's true. I know at least a few good Catholic guys who aren't going to seminary. But it made me think. What separates a guy going to seminary from an illegitimate father? What separates a priest from a deadbeat dad? It kind of hit me last night as I was railing against my counterparts.

In a word, it's sacrifice--an understanding of it, and a willingness to shoulder it up. A recognition that life is not just about me. It's not about gaining notoriety and pleasure for oneself, but rather about laying down one's life for one's friends (John 15:13). It's pretty much impossible to spend any extended period of time in a seminary environment without recognizing that fact. The sacrificial dimension of it is obvious--men must grapple with the prospect of giving up the joys of married life and family for the sake of the whole Church. That discernment process alone can turn boys into men.

What Paul is trying to communicate to husbands and wives I think is that marriage is every bit as much about sacrifice as is a vocation to priesthood or consecrated life. Thus this verse which is so often received uncomfortably today in fact is a message that everyone needs to hear, especially guys. Modern society, particularly in the media, because it is utilitarian and pleasure-seeking, naturally amplifies those dimensions of sexual relationships that entail enjoyment and pleasure, while very much downplaying or even dismissing outright those dimensions which demand responsibility and sacrifice.

Paul blows all that to smithereens when he says "husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church." Essentially he is saying, "You, sir, will lay down your life for this woman."